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What not to drive


When it comes to the car brands associated with the worst driving abilities, BMW drivers come out on top, with more than a fifth (21.3%) of respondents believing they are the worst.

BMW drivers also fare badly when respondents are asked what characteristics they associated with car manufacturers. While Mercedes drivers were seen as the most overcautious, voted for by 27.8%, BMW motorists were seen as being aggressive, cited by a whopping 73.3% of respondents.

Meanwhile, drivers with the least motoring offences were more likely to own cheaper cars. Let me qualify this - my first car was a Citroen 2CV, wouldn't pull the skin off a rice pudding, and if it ran into a rabbit was in serious danger of being a write off. Then for years of self employment I drove cars of all shapes, none worth more than a grand... My license was clean. Put me in a company car mind you (my last was an Audi A5), my points reached 6, double quick... The car had turned me into a law breaker

The UK crash statistics may also point toward Honda and Mitsubishi drivers causing the most accidents, but we all know that doesn’t even begin to dictate who the worst drivers on the road are. The real nobs, the people you look at and mutter dickhead under your breath, or worse, the kind that cut you up forcing you to stick your fist out the window and give a vigorous wanker sign. No these statistics don’t take into account the most important factor - road etiquette. The question needing to be asked is 'which vehicle has drivers with the worst attitude?'. After all, road etiquette is the unspoken rule of the road that, if followed, means everyone can get through the day with minimal road rage, swearing and hand gestures inside their protective metal shell on wheels.

The drivers of the machines in my list are the main cause of that vein pulsating on your forehead and why your steering wheel has been worn down with your vice-like angry grip. The very worst thing about some of these drivers is that they genuinely believe they can do no wrong, despite their obvious ignorance of other road users.

By the way - if you think I am wrong.... I am not, but feel free to have your say by filling in the survey.

Audi (A4 mainly)

You can argue all you want Audi drivers, you have somehow managed to take over the mantle from BMW drivers as the worst on the road. You may not have the most crashes, but you certainly cause some of the largest aggravation, amongst other drivers. Why though?

Well, Just so you know Mr. A4, it is not ok to be so close behind me that I can feel your breath on the back of my neck. I am entitled to overtake in the outside lane at 70mph, If you plan on doing 100mph in the outside lane, you’re the dickhead in the wrong, not everyone else that is in your way.

BMW (I mean what the fuck is that X2 all about)

Even though Audi has taken away your title BMW drivers, don’t worry, you are still up there. The main reason for your decline to 2nd place is the fact that the very worst BMW drivers all bought Audis last year. Probably because you made fuck ugly cars like the X2 - Please don’t for a minute think that it was because your driving skills dramatically improved.

Also, a quick note for any BMW drivers. Please don’t believe the rumour that your car doesn’t have any indicators. You can find them in the usual place and it would be great if you could start using them.

HGV - a necessary evil

Yes, yes, yes - Everybody knows that we wouldn't have anything in the shops if it wasn't for lorry drivers, we all know you do a gazillion miles a year on all kinds of roads, spending millions of hours away from home. We also know, because you tell us all the time, that you are professional drivers.

And yet....

Put you side by side on a dual carriageway, facing slightly uphill, you going 50 and your pal doing 49, causing miles of tailbacks, you seem totally oblivious to the irritation to each and every driver you hold up. This is not professional driving, it appears that it is Heavy Vehicle dick swinging.

This is also why, in each and every nob gear survey, HGV drivers came in the top 3.


The Chelsea Tractor - As defined by the Range Rover Evoque

Just to clarify, I’m not referring to Range Rover drivers of the countryside, you guys are fine and quite courteous on the roads.

No, I’m referring to everyone that has decided to get a Range Rover to navigate the narrow streets of a city. The only time they’ve ever used the Range Rover’s off-roading ability was to accidentally mount a curb while parking outside school. Once again, these drivers are usually ex-Audi/BMW drivers who have upgraded, but not managed to upgrade their driving skills. You’ll still find them cutting in front of people, as they’re now so high up that anything smaller than a tank will be lost in their blind spots.

Ok I may have said they are only cars, but the Range Rover Evoque is so revolting it makes me want to vomit every time I see one. The front end resembling a wide mouthed frog, and the rear looking so squashed, as though an elephant has used it for a seat.

The very definition of a chelsea tractor…?

Any ‘80s classic

Now that you’re 50 years old, and you can afford the 1982 Ford Sierra Cosworth with a Kent Cams modification of your dreams, it doesn’t mean you are suddenly transported into relevance, or that you can drive like your a young hooligan again.

I fully understand your mid-life crisis, but drifting your Ford Capri Ghia around Tesco’s car park doesn’t make you 17 again... Or cool. They weren't cool in the first place. That sporty shape belying the lack of handling - even if it had the grunt. No, the Capri of the 80's was right up there with the Nissan Sunny Coupe and the Vauxhall Calibra as a fraudulent donkey.

Try being 17 in the 80s and riding a Citroen 2CV.... you'd know how difficult being cool can be. Now however... It would be cool as f**k. I do remember offering a young woman a lift home from the pub, and describing my car as being soft top with spotlights and flared arches. I wasn't lying, but I didn't see her again after that night.

Mercedes... C220

The level of etiquette shown by Mercedes drivers varies wildly from location to location. If you’re a Mercedes driver living in suburbia, complete with a house, Labrador, kids and you actually know your credit rating, then you’re most likely a lovely driver.

Take that exact model of Mercedes and place it in a city centre and that driver is almost certainly a terrible driver. They are also, depending on the age and colour of the car, a pimp or a drug dealer.

It’s actually science.


OK, so this is a bit disingenuous, because Skoda drivers have pretty good etiquette on the whole. The reason why they feature in the worst drivers list is purely because I can’t listen to one more owner tell me that Skodas are actually really good now. No matter what event you’re at, a Skoda driver will appear as if from nowhere and present the JD Power survey showing that Skoda has the highest reliability rating. No-one really cares Steve, everybody knows you are in a Skoda because you can't afford a VW.

VW Passat

Comfortably in the top 10 of all sureveys are VW passat drivers. Not the Golf or Polo, no - this nob like status is purely with the Passat driver.

Once again, the migration of ex-Audi/BMW drivers jumping to cheaper alternatives has led to VW Passat driver etiquette levels of a new low.

Some say you're never more than three metres away from a VW Passat when you're in the outside lane. Its usually behind you flashing it's lights expecting you to exceed the speed limit to satiate their manic ego... quite where they think they are going in such a hurry. Its like flapping at a wasp trying to stop it buzzing round your beer - a complete waste of effort. That wasp will not be told to back off. Wasps are a waste of space, contributing nothing to ecology - and yet the most supercillious insect on the planet.

The wasp in the beer garden, just like the nob in the Passat behind you flashing its lights...


It takes a certain type of man to pimp out a cheap car and it’s usually a man with limited funds having absolutely no luck with the ladies. Rather than saving up to buy a decent car, these dudes actually waste a bunch of money making their existing crappy car look and perform even crappier - and it makes their problems with the ladies even worse. Maybe one day these nobs will realise that a woman doesn’t care about the size of your spoiler, but I doubt it.

The worst 'pimpers' however, are the blokes that buy expensive vehicles and still pay for gross modification. Its like the billions spent on research and development by the motor manufacturer isn't enough... Its the 3 grand extra on lowered suspension spent by Bob from Maltby that makes the difference. Why didn't they think of that fat exhaust hey ? Probably because it looks like a bag of wank Bob.

Fuck sake.

Traffic Police

If there is one person we all love to hate it is Mr or Mrs Traffic Police Officer! To most road users, a traffic police officer is worse than a dodgy landlord and a loan shark rolled together. They have this reputation as the fundraising arm of the law. You have to be a certain kind of person to enjoy that job. The sort of person who goes to work knowing, that their sole purpose is to piss people off and ruin peoples day - even if Mr Average is caught 5 mph over the speed limit, do you really have to act so sanctimoniously, as to add insult to embarassment.... Now, of course not all are the same, like any job where rules are to be obeyed. However, when it comes to bad apples in the traffic cop World - they are rotten and stinking, and completely ruin the impression of the rest.

In my humble opinion a fully justified inclusion in this blog.

A four door Porsche

My god why are these even a thing ?

I grew up with Porsche in my mind as an aspirational icon of motoring. Some better than others, but at heart you always knew that underneath the boot was an engine that throbbed, and pushed you along at such force, it rearranged your internal organs. If you owned a porsche you were a single successful person, who had no need to prove anything to anybody. If you owned a Porsche, it was you, your other half and the open road.

At no point was a Porsche ever intended to fit the kids in the back, camping equipment in the boot and be seen doing a tip run on a bank holiday Monday.... No way. Vulgarity at its worst.

Until now.... And that is totally f**ked up.



Attitude is everything, and some drivers seem all too eager to flick the finger or to honk annoyingly (and pointlessly) in bumper-to-bumper traffic. While this behaviour is unpleasant and uncalled for, other forms of rude driving behaviour are not only dangerous, but they’re also illegal. It’s one thing to encounter another driver gesticulating angrily, but it’s quite another to find one who relentlessly tailgates or who races through junctions just after the traffic light goes red.

How often, though, have we paid attention to the type of car driven? Do drivers of certain cars feel more entitled than others to behave rudely on the roads? I ran this survey because I was interested in investigating whether certain cars attract drivers who engage more frequently in the most egregious — and illegal — forms of nobbish behavior on the roads.

Hopefully this piece answers that question once and for all.

The nob in front, is driving a ________? Fill in the blank in the comments.

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